An Explanation

[Void's Mirror]

The most of you probably already know why I retreated as staff member. For the others I wanna try to explain what happened in the last few months.
The reason why I wanna explain is: it hurt. Maybe that makes me already unsuitable for staff, that the criticism I got hit me too deeply. I am probably too emotional.
But I also think a lot about what was said about me. And that is the point where I don’t come along anymore.
 
In January (+/-) I was depressed. It was winter, it was exam time and I was lonely, missing my boyfriend so much that it drove me crazy. Especially at night times (and night starts early in winter) I get melancholic, depressed, I was in a bad mood (ask Gray…). Our staff meetings happened to be at German night time. In this time Winter Bell helped us to get the new staff moving. I was bitchy. I tried to apologize for that and I am not sure it reached her. It makes me sad to think about that time. I know that I wasn’t a good staff member that time, the least a friendly person to Winter Bell.
Winter, if you read this, I want to tell you once more how sorry I am. I reflect my actions. I (hope I) know when I do something wrong and I did you wrong. I am so sorry.
 
The reason why I tell you all about this is because of what was written shortly ago in the anonymous Drive document: I was called cruel and useless.
Reading this was a deep shock though I’ve never happened to read it in the document itself for someone (I don’t know if that someone wants to be named) had already changed it to a complain about staff in general. It was randomly that I discovered the original words and you can probably imagine how I felt.
I’ve never considered myself as cruel. On the contrary: I’ve always thought I’d be a friendly person, talking with everyone, concerned about everyone. Now, where did I misunderstand myself? One thought, of course, was that this complain also rooted in how I was talking to Winter Bell in January. I don’t say it was her (I don’t know who it was). It can also have been someone in that chat or someone who heard about it. But as I said, it was one possibility. It was depressing thinking: ‘how often do I have to tell that I am sorry? Will I ever be forgiven?’ Please, believe me, I know that I did it wrong back then. Am I still that way?
But maybe the reason lies somewhere else. But then it is very hard for me to tell where. Please, where? When was I cruel? It honestly nags at me and not being staff member anymore doesn’t ease that feeling. I have to admit that I can get very ironic, sarcastic and cynical. Usually the others’ reactions tell me if you understood me correctly. Was I misunderstood? Please, please, tell me. I want to improve myself.
 
The other thing that was written was about me being useless as well as my actions and that I’d only want to satisfy you until the site finally dies. I want to begin with the end here: why would I want the site to die? And if I did, why would I even put effort of any kind into the forum instead of simply leaving if I hadn’t believed in its survival?
No, I don’t want it to die. As well as many of you this, the Griffon Kindgoms, you all, kept me company while I was alone. Moved out of my home place, not having friends here in the north. But then my brother showed me this site and you welcomed me heartly. And even more: I found Grayscale here, and you all know what he means to me. In short terms: the world. And emotional as I am I want that place where I met him to stay on forever. Be part of it forever. It sounds childish and corny but it’s true. I loved this site before I understood how much I loved Gray. When I did, I came to love this site even more. I’ve never would stand by and watch it die.
On another note: my brother loves this site as well. For my brother's sake I don't let this site go down!


I am probably one of the few who still believe in its survival. Also I am one the few, and I know how conceited that sounds, who were active staff members. With ‘active’ I mean that I was often in the chat room (at German times of course, I need to sleep at night) and that I often took part at the staff discussions. I am not a big poster, that’s true. I post when I found someone who can help me get my characters’ stories moving forward. Then I post not slowly. Maybe I am just not good at finding and convincing people to post with me for some reason.
Does that mean I am not active? I hate to say that but I’ve been more active than a lot of other former staff members. Maybe it gave me the wrong feeling of not having more to do. I am sorry for that.
 
Furthermore were my actions called useless and only to let the forum satisfied starve to death. My actions? What I did? Please, explain me what exactly is meant by that. All I can remember that I did were things that were discussed and decided in staff together. Why am only I to be blamed? Why? What did I do wrong again??
 
One last thing. Not in the document but some also think I am subjective. I cannot deny that I defend others very often. I do that and I am not ashamed of it. The thing is: if there are arguments, there is also a reason to use them and therefore defend someone. I cannot stand seeing someone only knocked down. It feels unjust to me. About Bob’s characters I have to say: I wasn’t the only one defending him. And looking back I still stay to what I’ve said.
 
I am emotional, I am maybe subjective, I know nothing about administration and only have few ideas. Also did I follow the description what the role of a “councilor” was too long. These are the reasons I retreated.
That was pretty much now, I know, and I am so very grateful if you have read it all. It was something weighing on my shoulders, on my soul.
 
Still love you all
Void

[Syron]

When I first read that accusation, I almost deleted it. Almost. I felt angry that anybody would think that my sister is cruel, while in reality... well, the pony I'd describe her with is Fluttershy. Not quite there on the shy part, but otherwise a close enough fit. I left it there anyway, despite knowing how it would hurt her reading that. I hope it was the original author coming to their right mind who eventually removed it, but as Void already pointed out, it could still be found. I'm really wondering how a misunderstanding could have gotten big enough that somebody thought she was cruel.

I sincerely hope this gets cleared out. There's been mistakes on many sides (my own not excluded), and to place the blame on any one person is an unacceptable misconception. All of us carry a part of it.

Edit: I like to point out that I have written this post purely as Void's brother, not as staff member.

[Scrapper]

I'm not the greatest with words, I'll admit. Because since yesterday, before Syron even posted a response, I really wanted to say something. And I got a little upset with myself that I couldn't find anything to actually say at the time.

I can't disagree with Syron at all, the few times I have spoken with Void were actually enjoyable, and I can hardly even imagine placing the title 'Cruel' on her. I can understand all of this because I've been under similar circumstances before, where I went from a fun guy to someone who just isn't all that nice. Though it wasn't on GK, surprisingly many didn't seem to look for any reason behind my sudden personality change.
In fact it was that event that made me rarely want to go in group chats like GK's, because I always get the nagging feeling that nobody cared what I had to say. Though I've been proven wrong on this many a time, it still remains an issue I've been left with thanks to other people, and lack of support with events like this.

Anyway, enough with that example.  
I, as a friend, do hope you feel better. And as a friend should, I also offer to take some time out of my day to talk to you about these things. Yeah, I'm not the first you should go to, but I'd be happy to help if I can.

Obligatory Scottish signature,
Scrappy Doodles.

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